Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
your wake is the warm
languid whorl of a sachet-latté
morning after,
gone when six a.m. rain swirls

pavement scents of whiskeysmoke
& a careless caress away
under cinnamon-sugar grace --

and it was only ever this:

you were lovely
by trembled halflight, when you almost had
my summer-boy's eyes.
(c) Avallynh on deviantArt, 2012

um. i was trying to get another long-suffering poem finished,
but somewhere in the middle this spilled out instead.

all i can seem to write about lately are summer-boys and goodbyes.

no steal, please.

critique for :iconthewrittenrevolution: [link]

feedback, please, regarding
:bulletblack: the flow of the piece
:bulletblack: whether the imagery gives a feel of something fleeting
:bulletblack: general thoughts?
Add a Comment:
 
:icongrey-skies-industry:
grey-skies-industry Featured By Owner 3 days ago
this provokes in me an intense sense of melancholy. it's lovely.
Reply
:iconsusurrousity:
susurrousity Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2012  Student Writer
hey :heart: you have been featured here! (: [link]
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so so much, albeit belatedly! it's an honour. :hug:
Reply
:iconsusurrousity:
susurrousity Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2012  Student Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconteenyxtinyxtina:
teenyxtinyxtina Featured By Owner Feb 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
six a.m. rain swirls

Can I just say I love this to pieces?
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you can, you can!
thank you lots, darling. :heart:
Reply
:iconunderground-rogue:
Underground-Rogue Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Student Writer
You used the word 'whorl'.
I'm friggin' in love with that word.
Your words genuinely run rings around me. This is excellent, as usual.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i'm in love with that word, too. there's something so gentle and sensual about it. it's right up there with wanderlust for me.
thank you lots and lots, Mothy. :heart:
Reply
:iconunderground-rogue:
Underground-Rogue Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Student Writer
Oh, I do love to be called Mothy ^^
I love the word 'digress' - and 'limerance'.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 13, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
limerence is a lovely one.
embouchure, too. i've been trying to wheedle it into some poem of mine for the longest while.
Reply
:iconprovenparadox:
ProvenParadox Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student Writer
Oh man. This is so charming. Not a single word more than you need. The whole thing hanging delicately together with tremulous grace. Its human - warm and enchanting, tragic and envigorating.

You've got a spark. Use it well.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you. i think that's one of the most poetic comments i've ever received. :)
Reply
:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Professional Writer
I agree with Rachel - you could drown in this. Who knew the morning after could be so sweetly beautiful. Pavement and all.

You reminded me of a poem I wrote for a girl 7 years ago. I was a new poet and she was only ever mine for a few sweet moments. I thought of it because you wrote it in dreamlike beauty and all I had were the facts I was so desperately trying to grasp. It's almost the complete opposite of your poem, but the same moment. I'm not trolling but if you want to read it, it's here (and remember - it's 7 years old and I'd only been writing poetry for a year then): [link]
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much. this was a bit of a flash, really, something about holding on to a likeness if that's all you can get, about letting light and shadow trick you, that came to me and tumbled out like this all in a matter of moments. i'm still not sure where from. :O_o:
not at all. i've read yours and left you my thoughts.:heart:
Reply
:iconsunshinegypsy:
sunshinegypsy Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Professional Writer
"about letting light and shadow trick you" OH exactly. Me too. Sometimes we just have to.
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Professional Writer
Ooh this is beautiful! :heart:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you, and thank you lots for the feature, too. :heart:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Professional Writer
You're most welcome. :)
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Professional Writer
:wave: Hi! You have been featured by The Favorites Project at :iconlitplease:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
'm honoured. :thanks:
Reply
:iconladyofgaerdon:
LadyofGaerdon Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Professional Writer
:)
Reply
:iconemsoileau:
emsoileau Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
i think it flows quite well. the entire thing reads like a wistful sigh, and your imagery follows suit. i suppose that could be construed as it conveying transience?

'gone when six a.m. rain swirls' is for me a strongly evocative bit of wording. just sayin'.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you. that is what i was hoping to convey, yes. :thanks:
Reply
:icondisrhythmic:
disrhythmic Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012
Really lovely. :)
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Mm. It has taken me much longer to comment on this one, and I apologize. I want to say - you start off with wake, and me, I love wake. I love the idea of it, the look of it. I take a thousand pictures of it anytime I happen to be at sea. And you have given a person wake - and this already catches my attention. Your beginning: gorgeous. Such delicious imagery, of something warm and sweet and comforting - and perhaps ephemeral, yes, for the scents always dissipate. Your end, too, is tragic. It makes me want to love someone and be loved - or even not loved, as long as we are somewhere. I don't know. It just... yes, it is beautiful. However, I am not sure the two halves... match. They change very abruptly, from this sense of being warm and safe while it rains outside, to this stark, summer-night imagery. And... I'm not sure why summer night, perhaps just the "halflight" makes me think of the setting sun, or the night lit only by the fireflies, I... am rambling quite atrociously, but am I making the least bit of sense?
But this makes me want to look to the person I love and say, Go somewhere with me. Even if it will never mean anything, go somewhere with me.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much for such a thoughtful critique -- it was well worth the wait. :heart:
also, i'll say very honestly that i typed this out as it came to me and uploaded it without giving it so much as a once-over, threw it out as a little aside at most rather than a proper piece, which is honestly making me feel a little sheepish against the thought you've put into that comment.
there's definitely a dissonance between the present and the retrospective bits of the piece, but maybe because it's a night-of/morning-after divide (which you correctly surmised), it's (perhaps) passable? at any rate, i'll say that this being such an uncharacteristically spontaneous piece, i've no idea how to go about editing it. :O_o:
and that last bit of your comment made my breath catch for a bit.
thank you again, so very much. :heart:
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Oh goodness, just because I offer more than "I love it!" doesn't mean I expect you to do anything about it. xD If you like, I can stop writing balanced comments unless you specifically ask for one you want to edit? I absolutely understand, truly, the burst of inspiration that results in poetry, and of course you shouldn't be sheepish about me writing longer comments when you're not going to do anything about it. xD I just like writing something more than "this is stunning, you're fabulous." Which is true, by the way.
ALTHOUGH. I do have to say that the title does not quite seem to fit with it. It seems a bit gaudier than the imagery you use, in either portion. (: Delightful word, though.
But of course, always. <3
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
oh no nononono. you misunderstand -- it's not like i don't appreciate the comment; quite the opposite, in fact! it's flattering that you put more thought into your feedback than i did into the poem. it's just that it got me thinking, as it would, and i was wondering if there was anything i could do to make it transition smoother.
and yes. the title took me quite a while to come up with, and i didn't like it much. it was exactly the fact that it was a pretty word that made me put it there anyway, as a bit of a stand-in. but i've not thought of anything to replace it with yet. suggestions?
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Feb 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Well, alright then. <3 I will try to give feedback as long as I have it, as long as you know that I always leave it in your hands to decide what to do with it; I never expect you to do what I say.
Hmm, to be honest, the only thing that is really coming to mind is "chaleur." It's the French word for warmth, but I am stuck in that warm-languid-whorl of the first stanza. Or else, perhaps you could do something with languid - the poem does seem rather... relaxed, reposing most of the way through.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
well if something makes sense, i'd be silly not to take it into account. :)
i shall consider those. and chaleur is a lovely word too. :heart:
Reply
:iconsycamoresea:
SycamoreSea Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Best of inspiration to you. ;D


oh oh oh and dA is telling me it's your birthday today! And I know I'm a bit late in the day now but I sure hope it was a marvelous one. :heart: :cake:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Feb 5, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thaaaank you! it was, rather. :heart:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondamagedhomewrecker:
DamagedHomewrecker Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
i really really absolutely adore this. it is fleeting and just so simply lovely. i really love the last stanza. it stands out the most for me.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 31, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconlunulae:
Lunulae Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Student Writer
I want to steal this. Please may I steal your images? If not, may I at least drown in them permanently?

So very lovely.
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you may steal or drown as you please. i permit it. :heart:
thank you, darling.
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is so lovely. I love the easy, mellow style and pretty imagery. :heart:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you so much! :heart:
Reply
:iconbeyondjen:
BeyondJen Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
My complete pleasure!
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! i'm honoured. :heart:
Reply
:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2012
You're welcome.
Reply
:iconjonathan-frost:
Jonathan-Frost Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
P.S. I think I just fell in love with the title, and I'm known for not doing that at all :) (with titles or human beings in general)
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
my title and i are duly delighted. :heart:
Reply
:iconjonathan-frost:
Jonathan-Frost Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You are spot on regarding what you asked. I can't find a fault to this poem if you paid me to :XD:

On the other hand, I just realized one thing: almost nobody writes about winter boys. What's wrong with us? :P
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
aaw, thank you!
and that's a thought, isn't it? this boy was far, far too gold-and-honey to ever be winter, but you've put the idea in my head and i might just dream up one of those, too. i'm hoping i do, soonish. :nod:
Reply
:iconjonathan-frost:
Jonathan-Frost Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
you do that :)
Reply
:iconarchelyxs:
archelyxs Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2012
I feel like if I don't savor these images now, they will fall away.
It's quite a delicate effect. :heart:
Reply
:iconavallynh:
Avallynh Featured By Owner Jan 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
thank you! it was meant to be fleeting; a moment slipping away through the words. :nod:
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:iconavallynh: More from Avallynh


Featured in Collections

Writing by betwixtthepages

All The Poets Come To Life by flummo

Words, words, words... by Kublakhan27


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
January 26, 2012
File Size
68 bytes
Submitted with
Sta.sh Writer
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
4,082
Favourites
54 (who?)
Comments
62

License

Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
×